Despite the title of this post, it has nothing to do with science, or even most educated thought unless you're looking at psychology and the like. And this isn't so much me writing something, as it is part of me that likes to take over from time to time. And I'm sure that there are those of you that this particular bit comes out to play with as well.
I've dealt with depression for a long time now. It has made me pretty self-destructive at times, and just shut me down at others. Any desire to interact with the outside world usually goes away, with exception to the hope that someone or something will save me. I have always done my utmost to deal with it as I can. Especially since I've had children. Unfortunately, though, it still rears its ugly head. And worse still, it has been coming out with more frequency lately.
Depression seems to be my very own glass ceiling. It is what holds me back from more personal success sometimes. It is what stops me from going for ideas that seem like they would be great. It is what whispers in my ear that I am not good enough. It is what tries to tell me that I will do something to scare away the ones I love. I had been pushing back my depression lately, or at least I thought I had been. It, however, decided to let me know today that I may be fooling myself. Randomly trying (and failing) to hold back tears while I was simply sitting in a chair, and holding my daughter. I know that part of it was triggered by what I was thinking of, though.
As a funny thought, though... I was trying to figure out what I'd like to put as pictures on this post. I failed miserably at that, but it was entertaining none the less.
I feel crippled right now. The one thing aside from my children that makes me happy is out of reach. And it feels like I only make that worse. The feelings of crushing weariness is becoming overwhelming. I wish that I could say that I have a happy ending to share with you right now, but I'm trying to keep my mind set on the fact that there will eventually be a happy ending. But every plan, best laid or otherwise, is failing. I am failing. And when does that happy ending see what a failure I am?
Feel free to give feedback...
-JWJacobs
Your future is what you make of it. While depression can be extremely debilitating (sp?) it is also something that if you set your mind to it you can conquer. From a psychological point of view the biggest thing that brings about a cycle of depression is thinking about sad things. It is a crippling cycle that is not easy to overcome but you have a wonderful family structure that expands far beyond those that share your genetics. Do not be afraid to rely on them to help you through this time emotionally. Encourage them to tell those funny stories that usually start with, "Do you remember when..." Smiles and laughter are the quickes cure for depression. I would suggest starting a journal of triumphs and fun. That way when you're sad you can glance through what you've written. Stay away from depressing blog posts and focus on the positive. The glass will not always be half empty or half full. Sometimes you just have to be glad you have something to fill up.
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