Eclectic Evenings: How to grow a relationship if you are a sado-masochist.

"Wuv.... Twuuu wuv.." Well folks, I am back, and ready to kick with something near and dear to my heart. Relationships. Oh yes. That one thing that most of us have a horrific track record with. By track record, I mean more like train tracks. With a spectacular train wreck on it. Lots of fire, that kind of thing.

I believe that a cousin-once-removed once told my mom that everybody should get a practice marriage. To a degree, I think that it makes sense. We tend to find ourselves getting married for the wrong reasons. Reasons like children (while noble and all, generally prone to disaster), impulse, low self esteem, or any other random reason out there. One of the biggest pitfalls that we hit is that once we settle, sometimes we expect that things will change, or will simply get better due to the healing power of time. Well...

Here's something that folks don't tell you. Time heals wounds. Not relationships. If your relationship is an open wound, you may perhaps be doing it wrong. People certainly can change... if they want to do it for their own reasons, and can self motivate to do so. And most folks tend to forget a very important fact about change. It isn't black and white. That thing that someone else does that drives you up the wall? They might change it into something even worse. You didn't think about that particular possibility when you were hoping for change, did you? Funny how that works sometimes.

And then we have the whole cliche idea of "Marrying your best friend." Easier said than done. Hell. Convincing a mountain lion to allow you to use it as a riding mount might be easier. Falling into that dreaded "Friend Zone" is brutal to most, and does wonders for self esteem. By wonders, I mean that it crushes will to live in some cases, or in others, it crushes the will to say no to liquor. Either way, it's not a good thing. The problem with being in non-platonic love with who is your best friend is that in most cases, those things don't go hand in hand. There is an invisible barrier between your relationship, and your friendships. Sometimes this makes things awkward. You might ask yourself why this is. It's fairly simple. We tend to misrepresent ourselves when self marketing to the opposite (or same, whatever way your boat floats) sex. And when we finally break away from that is usually when the honeymoon period is over, and things tend to fall into banal routines. We also have a terrible habit of rushing into things before true trust is built. Friendships are slowly built up over the years in most cases. And because we separate our relationships from our friendships, you rarely go after those that you are extremely close to in a platonic fashion.

And then there is the factor of testing. Sometimes we do just fine without having our relationships tested. But more often than not, you lose an appreciation for what it means to have made it past those tests. Also of note, we most often do NOT have those tests at the most important time. Towards the beginning. A weaker relationship can go on for quite some time without being truly tested, and crumble at first light of an issue, years down the road. Let's look at this from the standpoint of making a sword. For all intents and purposes, we'll compare testing to stress on the blade, forging, or reforging. What would you prefer to have? A hastily made longsword, or a katana that took months (or years) to forge? Each test is like folding the blade (for those that have no idea what I'm talking about, click here) making it stronger and sharper. Having a blade worked on after it has already been forged, when the forging was hasty is simply likely to shatter the steel, unless great care is taken. Basically, the earlier you go through true relationship tests, the more likely you are to know what you can expect to handle later. The unfortunate part of this is that generally, you don't have much say as to how and when this occurs.

Beyond this, things become sort of chaotic. What makes a good relationship? Is there a list? Perhaps it is just level of personal connection. More realistically, it's a combination of a great many things. Trust. Faith. Hope. Interests. Physical attraction. Sex. Need. Want. How in the hell do you find out most of this before things get serious? Well, most people don't. They like to just wing it, and see what manages to stick to the wall when they throw crap against it. We watch stupid movies that show some unrealistic Hollywood version of what love is supposed to be. How you will find "The One" and live your happily ever after. You just need some contrived situation that makes the stars align. Right. Like that happens.... Relationships aren't about romance. There is no perfect one for you..... Or is there?

Here's the interesting part. Maybe contrived situations bring out what may be perfect for you. Maybe there are those perfect people for you. Perhaps it is possible to keep romance alive. And as overused as the term "Soul Mate" is used, perhaps there is something to it. Do most people lie to themselves when they say cheesy stuff like that? Absolutely, but this does not mean that it can't or won't happen. It usually happens when you aren't looking. And it almost always has some severe complications to make it past to get the ball in the right direction. And usually, someone else will get hurt out of everything. But these are the circumstances that test relationships early on. And because of the complications that are inherent to this, chances are that you aren't going to leave your comfort zone unless there is something truly worth it on the other end. Maybe you'll even find that one person that you would walk through hell to simply be with. Worth finding out, don't you think?

-JWJacobs