The Vegetable Control Act of 1991

(Occasionally I run across something in my files whose time has come - again.  I thought this was amusing, and it's older than a lot of my readers. There is no attribution to author, but if someone knows who wrote it, let me know and I'll put in a credit line.  Enjoy!  Dyane)

            A recent edition of the Atlanta Journal Constitution carried an AP wire story about a London man who died after being struck by a turnip in a drive-by vegetable throwing.  A gang in the East End drives about hurling vegetables at random passers=by.  The victim suffered a broken rib and ruptured spleen in the attack.  Another man sustained stomach injuries when he was struck by a cabbage.

            I was saddened at first, then outraged. These incidents illustrate exactly the kind of tragedy that can happen in the absence of effective vegetable control laws.  Arguments like “Vegetables don’t kill; people do,” simply won’t wash anymore.  Anyone with children will tell you that kids know, instinctively, that vegetables are Death.  The innocence of the child is truly the Wisdom of the  Adult – or something like that.

            Clearly it is past time to get these deadly weapons out of the hands, mouths and salad bowls of the general public.  In this task we may draw liberally from the philosophy of the gun-control movement. Several of their most strident objections to gun ownership, adapted to the vegetable control movement, are as follows:

1    1.       Turnips have no sporting purpose. Using the same statistical methodology used to justify restrictions on “assault rifle” ownership (distortion, unsubstantiated assertions, outright lies), we see that turnips have become the favorite weapon of street gangs and other criminals.  Turnips are twenty-five times more likely to be used for criminal purposes than for any claimed “sporting” purposes.  You don’t hunt ducks with a turnip!

2    2.      Anyone who has ever eaten a turnip knows they have but one purpose: to kill people. Turnips are six times more likely to kill a friend or loved one than they are to be used in self-defense.

3    3.      There is no individual, Constitutional right to own a turnip. The courts have never struck down a law limiting possession of certain vegetables to the police and the military.

These assault vegetables should immediately be banned, for the good of society.  Law enforcement officers throughout the country report that their traditional coffee and doughnuts are no match for such highly sophisticated comestibles.

       Realizing that Congress may lack the intestinal fortitude to deal with the powerful growers’ lobby and the fanatical NRA (National Rutabaga Association), it may not be possible to pass an outright ban.  Still, certain reasonable restrictions can be implemented in the interim:

  

     A)     Registration of all currently owned assault vegetables.  What, exactly, this will accomplish is uncertain; we want it anyway. 

     B)    A 15-day waiting period and background check on all potential purchasers.  Currently, anyone with cash in hand may purchase one (or more!) of these vegetables with no questions asked.

  

    C)    A limitation on magazine capacity.  Currently, commercially available magazines (called “crates” or “bushel baskets”) holding twenty or more of these instruments of death and destruction, may be purchased by the general public. Law-abiding citizens do not need more than five turnips at one time.

Our position is not an extreme one, and we are willing to compromise. Those who lack the intellectual capacity to hate and fear an inanimate object would still be allowed to possess less lethal vegetables (mashed potatoes, pureed asparagus, tomato sauce) but only at an approved restaurant.

The President has promised us a “softer, blander America.”  Banning the importation of assault vegetables, and supporting Federal legislation banning their domestic manufacture and sale, would be an important first step toward keeping that promise.

     Thank you for your consideration!

Eclectic Evenings: How to grow a relationship if you are a sado-masochist.

"Wuv.... Twuuu wuv.." Well folks, I am back, and ready to kick with something near and dear to my heart. Relationships. Oh yes. That one thing that most of us have a horrific track record with. By track record, I mean more like train tracks. With a spectacular train wreck on it. Lots of fire, that kind of thing.

I believe that a cousin-once-removed once told my mom that everybody should get a practice marriage. To a degree, I think that it makes sense. We tend to find ourselves getting married for the wrong reasons. Reasons like children (while noble and all, generally prone to disaster), impulse, low self esteem, or any other random reason out there. One of the biggest pitfalls that we hit is that once we settle, sometimes we expect that things will change, or will simply get better due to the healing power of time. Well...

Here's something that folks don't tell you. Time heals wounds. Not relationships. If your relationship is an open wound, you may perhaps be doing it wrong. People certainly can change... if they want to do it for their own reasons, and can self motivate to do so. And most folks tend to forget a very important fact about change. It isn't black and white. That thing that someone else does that drives you up the wall? They might change it into something even worse. You didn't think about that particular possibility when you were hoping for change, did you? Funny how that works sometimes.

And then we have the whole cliche idea of "Marrying your best friend." Easier said than done. Hell. Convincing a mountain lion to allow you to use it as a riding mount might be easier. Falling into that dreaded "Friend Zone" is brutal to most, and does wonders for self esteem. By wonders, I mean that it crushes will to live in some cases, or in others, it crushes the will to say no to liquor. Either way, it's not a good thing. The problem with being in non-platonic love with who is your best friend is that in most cases, those things don't go hand in hand. There is an invisible barrier between your relationship, and your friendships. Sometimes this makes things awkward. You might ask yourself why this is. It's fairly simple. We tend to misrepresent ourselves when self marketing to the opposite (or same, whatever way your boat floats) sex. And when we finally break away from that is usually when the honeymoon period is over, and things tend to fall into banal routines. We also have a terrible habit of rushing into things before true trust is built. Friendships are slowly built up over the years in most cases. And because we separate our relationships from our friendships, you rarely go after those that you are extremely close to in a platonic fashion.

And then there is the factor of testing. Sometimes we do just fine without having our relationships tested. But more often than not, you lose an appreciation for what it means to have made it past those tests. Also of note, we most often do NOT have those tests at the most important time. Towards the beginning. A weaker relationship can go on for quite some time without being truly tested, and crumble at first light of an issue, years down the road. Let's look at this from the standpoint of making a sword. For all intents and purposes, we'll compare testing to stress on the blade, forging, or reforging. What would you prefer to have? A hastily made longsword, or a katana that took months (or years) to forge? Each test is like folding the blade (for those that have no idea what I'm talking about, click here) making it stronger and sharper. Having a blade worked on after it has already been forged, when the forging was hasty is simply likely to shatter the steel, unless great care is taken. Basically, the earlier you go through true relationship tests, the more likely you are to know what you can expect to handle later. The unfortunate part of this is that generally, you don't have much say as to how and when this occurs.

Beyond this, things become sort of chaotic. What makes a good relationship? Is there a list? Perhaps it is just level of personal connection. More realistically, it's a combination of a great many things. Trust. Faith. Hope. Interests. Physical attraction. Sex. Need. Want. How in the hell do you find out most of this before things get serious? Well, most people don't. They like to just wing it, and see what manages to stick to the wall when they throw crap against it. We watch stupid movies that show some unrealistic Hollywood version of what love is supposed to be. How you will find "The One" and live your happily ever after. You just need some contrived situation that makes the stars align. Right. Like that happens.... Relationships aren't about romance. There is no perfect one for you..... Or is there?

Here's the interesting part. Maybe contrived situations bring out what may be perfect for you. Maybe there are those perfect people for you. Perhaps it is possible to keep romance alive. And as overused as the term "Soul Mate" is used, perhaps there is something to it. Do most people lie to themselves when they say cheesy stuff like that? Absolutely, but this does not mean that it can't or won't happen. It usually happens when you aren't looking. And it almost always has some severe complications to make it past to get the ball in the right direction. And usually, someone else will get hurt out of everything. But these are the circumstances that test relationships early on. And because of the complications that are inherent to this, chances are that you aren't going to leave your comfort zone unless there is something truly worth it on the other end. Maybe you'll even find that one person that you would walk through hell to simply be with. Worth finding out, don't you think?

-JWJacobs

Curmudgeon's Corner: Random Thoughts

Animal Cruelty:  I've had an influx of animal cruelty messages in my Facebook feed this week. I don't expect it's an accident.  Record heat, bored kids out of school, and parents stressed with dealing with same can be working on shorter than normal tempers.  Like the 4th grade teacher who just - lost it - and beat his dog to death with his fists because it didn't want to get in the bathtub.

Then there are some people who are just evil: Two of the messages concerned Michael Vick. In one of them, he's asking for permission to get a dog - apparently his children want a pet. If I had any say in the matter, he would *not* get a dog, and his children would be explicitly told why, and shown the pictures of the hung, tortured and broken dogs that are the product of their father's "love for animals."  Father is not a human being. Father is a monster who tortures and kills animals for fun and profit - and people who start with animals often move on to people. So instead of wanting a puppy, I'd suggest they watch their own backs...  The other Vick post was about his book and line of clothing, calling for a boycott. Well, I'm certainly not going to buy anything he gets money from, but I passed it on. It's one of those things where people have to make their own decisions.

Two other idiots showed up in photos (how smart is that?), one of them a tattooed marvel of lacking intelligence, pouring what looks to be vodka or gin down a puppy's throat.  The other was another tattooed marvel with his pittie type dog grasped by the throat with a gun to its head.  I pulled them both up and took a good look - the tattoos on both guys are not the same, otherwise it could have been the same fool.  One of them, however, posted it to his facebook account, and someone figured out where he lives. I hope that's been dealt with. (If it had been in my hometown or easy driving distance, I'd have taken care of it myself.)

A warning went out over Craigslist and FB not long ago about people taking animals "free to a good home" and then using them for target practice.  In other news, police continue to shoot dogs inappropriately - from the one who took his *leashed* dog into a neighborhood dog park, and shot the dog who came over to play with him, to one who walked onto someone's property and when the dog in that fenced yard came up to sniff him, shot it dead in front of the owner and her children.

Bottom line:  The curmudgeon has NO TOLERANCE for animal abuse, and I don't care who its from. Explain to me why a cop overstepping his authority and using deadly force on an animal is any better than Michael Vick hanging a losing fighter?  Or placing a scared dog on the roof of your car for 12 hours?

Just because we are thinking - scheming, more like it - beings is not an excuse to abuse those that depend on us. If they cause inconvenience, if they cost us money - that's part of the bargain when you get a pet, take an animal into your life.  It's not an excuse to throw them away, turn them out, haul them to the pound, or put a bullet in their skull.  They're doing what they do naturally, and it's part of our covenant with them to take care of them, and try to understand and deal with them appropriately.

I have my own ideas what should happen to people who overstep their bounds in this direction. I try to educate people, but I'm not above meddling in other ways.  And I don't think a jury in the world would convict me...

Meanwhile - if you love an animal, or just animals in general, try to get involved in some small way. Avoid HSUS and ASPCA - send money, donations, and spend time, if you can, helping local shelters and rescue.  If your local shelter is abominable (and many of them are), there are groups trying to fix that - hook up and help out. The animals and the curmudgeon thank you.

Eclectic Evenings: Time and Distance Relativity

Despite the title of this post, it has nothing to do with science, or even most educated thought unless you're looking at psychology and the like. And this isn't so much me writing something, as it is part of me that likes to take over from time to time. And I'm sure that there are those of you that this particular bit comes out to play with as well.

I've dealt with depression for a long time now. It has made me pretty self-destructive at times, and just shut me down at others. Any desire to interact with the outside world usually goes away, with exception to the hope that someone or something will save me. I have always done my utmost to deal with it as I can. Especially since I've had children. Unfortunately, though, it still rears its ugly head. And worse still, it has been coming out with more frequency lately.

Depression seems to be my very own glass ceiling. It is what holds me back from more personal success sometimes. It is what stops me from going for ideas that seem like they would be great. It is what whispers in my ear that I am not good enough. It is what tries to tell me that I will do something to scare away the ones I love. I had been pushing back my depression lately, or at least I thought I had been. It, however, decided to let me know today that I may be fooling myself. Randomly trying (and failing) to hold back tears while I was simply sitting in a chair, and holding my daughter. I know that part of it was triggered by what I was thinking of, though.

As a funny thought, though... I was trying to figure out what I'd like to put as pictures on this post. I failed miserably at that, but it was entertaining none the less.

I feel crippled right now. The one thing aside from my children that makes me happy is out of reach. And it feels like I only make that worse. The feelings of crushing weariness is becoming overwhelming. I wish that I could say that I have a happy ending to share with you right now, but I'm trying to keep my mind set on the fact that there will eventually be a happy ending. But every plan, best laid or otherwise, is failing. I am failing. And when does that happy ending see what a failure I am?

Feel free to give feedback...

-JWJacobs

Sci-Reality: Mars Vs. Olympics

I figure that as interesting as things are shaping up in science in recent time, that why not have something nerdy like this to point out neat happenings, and/or explain what's going on in the world? That being said...

It's been a rather interesting week, and probably will continue the trend, as we have the Perseid meteor shower on the horizon, and we've just (successfully) landed a rover on Mars. Though it's ironic that most people would have no idea that we landed a rover on Mars if not for facebook. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that, but then again, such cool happenings have stiff competition right now, as we have the London Summer games going on..



Be that as it may, how do you feel about the fact that such an accomplishment is almost relegated to the back burner? There was a time and place where schools would effectively shut down so that they could watch moon landings, or even to simply see a space shuttle take off. Every kid knew what NASA was, and most of them would dream of being weightless in space, eating astronaut ice cream.

I guess it bugs me on a personal level to see things like the discovery of the Higgs-Boson Particle go for the most part unnoticed with exception to some random internet Meme. Most don't know that it has anything to do with the LHC, or even have any idea of what the LHC actually is. Perhaps we're starting to hit such an information overload that we don't notice the big things anymore. Thoughts?




JWJacobs

Eclectic Evenings: Madhouse

Good day, and welcome to my first real contribution to this fold. I've decided to initially forgo anything that is really subject or theme related. And while I'm at it, I suppose this gives me a chance to explain why I was so slow in starting things up.



As of the last 4 weeks, I've truly had the chance to learn what being a single parent entails. Let me preface this by saying that I don't hold any true grudge with my ex. I know that if she had the ability, she would be doing more. But that isn't the point of this particular diatribe. Personal time doesn't really exist much. There is always something going on, and things start to grind your nerves when there isn't much of a break to look forward to. It has given me a ton of time with both of them, and that has been fantastic. But still. I know there are those out there that have done this for years. I don't envy that position.

I've readjusted a few of my priorities, and possibly delayed some changes that I would have made otherwise.  It isn't to say that this won't happen, but I suppose that it is what it is. Obviously, this has had a bit of an effect on me getting this project up and running quickly. But fear not!

I intend on having a theme article up very soon.

JWJacobs